The War on Pudge, Chapter 1

As previously stated in this blog, 2008 marks for me the renewal of The War on Pudge, in which I will attempt to eliminate all parts of my body that were not created with the ability to jiggle, but which have since acquired it.

Now, I've studied a little history. Not a lot, mind you, that's part of the cost of being a physics and math double major- no time to study much else. But I've studied enough to know that you don't start a war without a clear definition of victory and a well-thought out, flexible Grand Strategy for achieving it. Otherwise, you end up fighting a prolonged, directionless war with no end in sight. Fortunately, history is littered with enough examples of that kind of foolishness that no one does that kind of thing anym-

oh wait.

Well, anyway, here's my definition of victory:

Victory in the War on Pudge shall be defined as my being able to put on my black suit pants without any evidence of muffintop-ness. Comfortable fit, no overhang.

The Grand Strategy for achieving this victory shall consist of three parts:

1) Exercise strategy: I joined the YMCA today, and will get back to 3-5 times per week workouts. In addition, I ordered a mountain bike from amazon that I will use to take a ride on the strand along the beach in the mornings, also 3-5 times per week. On inclement weather days, I will substitute swimming or stationary bike in the Y.

2) Communications strategy: by publicly stating my goals, I become more accountable for achieving them, especially because I am blessed with a wide circle of friends who will, as a show of support, mock me incessantly for being (a) pudgy, and (b) a big pussy for failing to achieve a stated goal.

3) Dietary strategy: here is where the real suffering happens, since aside from most fruits, I don't like anything that is actually good for me from a dietary perspective.

Just think, with the trillion dollars we've blown in Iraq, we could have invested in genetic engineering that could possibly have produced something really useful, like a powder that looked, felt, and tasted like powdered sugar but which actually had the RDA of all the major vitamins. Then, eating powdered sugared doughnuts would be more like popping vitamins, and less like stapling blubber to your waist. Or enzyme-sized nanobots that would live in your digestive tract and break down all the fat, sugar, and grease you ate so that your body didn't absorb any of it. Then you could have a meal of pizza, french fries, and bacon, finished off with a sticky bun, and the nanobots would protect you from any adverse effects.

But instead, I'm staring at the next several months of eating raw spinach and drinking water, until either I achieve victory or go to jail for killing someone for their Big Mac...