I have 3 official godchildren. In order of seniority, they are: my little brother Mikie, Laszlo and GA's older child Li (4 years old), and Laura and Dima's younger child Max (1 y.o.). Li has a younger sister, Em (2 y.o.), and Max has an older sister, Kate (3 y.o.). I refer to all of them as godchildren, 'cause it's just easier that way, even though not all of them are official. I figure I'll just provide spiritual guidance for all of them.
And lest you think otherwise, yes, I am acutely aware of the tremendous irony inherent in my providing spiritual guidance to anyone. [Holy blind-leading-the-blind, Batman!]
Anyway, one of the most interesting things to me about little kids is how quickly they develop distinct, identifiable personality traits. For instance, Em has developed a very strong trait which I call Princess Obsession. She is all princesses all the time. She likes to watch TV shows about princesses, be read stories about princesses, and at all other times, play with her princesses. And let me tell you, she has at least one, and sometimes more than one, of every princess that has ever lived. Except, I suppose, for Ed. If I had a little Ed doll made for her, then she'd actually have one of every princess ever.
And so, on those occasions when I babysit Li and Em, sooner or later we end up having a conversation that goes something like this:
Em, looking up at me with big wide eyes: "Do you, want to play princesses, wifth me?"
Me (internally): "Must... think.. of something..."
Me (to Em): "Gee Em, that sure does sound like a lot of fun... but I've got an even better idea. What if we play, one princess doesn't want to go to bed, so she jumps in her sports car and drives like crazy to avoid having to go to bed, so the other princess jumps in her sports car and drives like crazy after her, and they both chase each other around in their sports cars until they fall asleep at the wheel and crash. (You know you should never drive when you're tired, right Em?) That sounds like a fun game, right? Why don't we play that instead??"
[3 second pause while Em's two-year-old brain processes what I just said]
Em (handing me a princess): "You can be, Ariel, and I'll be Sleeping Beauty!"
Me (sighing): "Hokay. I'll be Ariel, and you be Sleeping Beauty."
And so, we play princesses together. That's right, I said it, we play princesses together. Because, despite a 33 year age difference, and an enormous size/weight advantage, in the end I'm a male, and she's a female, albeit a small one, and so we pretty much do whatever she wants, because life is just simpler that way. And for all of you out there in the readerverse who are mocking me right now, I'm tempted to say "Lick my balls", but instead, I'll just take the high road, and silently wish that the karmic circle of life shall bestow upon you too a little girl just like Em, smart, cute, and precocious, who wants to play princesses with you _all_ _the_ _time_.
It so happens that last night I babysat the girls, and when I arrived they were ensconced on the sofa, watching Em's favorite princess story of all: Cinderella- A Twist in Time. Right now you might be thinking, "Jeez, all I remember is 'Cinderella'- what's all this about a twist in time?", but if you are thinking that, it's clear that you're not spending time hanging out with any girls under the age of 5. Because let me tell you, the Cinderella story is an extremely fertile field, throwing off spinoffs faster than Law & Order.
In this exciting episode, the evil stepmother gets hold of the fairy godmother's wand, and uses it to turn back time to just before the prince arrives at Cinderella's house, in order to make the prince fall in love with one of the stepsisters. Now, I won't spoil the ending for you, but I will add that part of the bedtime ritual in the house is that Li and Em each get read a story of their choosing. Thus far, Em has chosen the same story every time I've ever babysat for her: Cinderella- A Twist in Time. So I am now to the point where I almost don't have to read it- a few more times and I'll have it memorized completely. But this was the first time I'd ever seen it on video. For the record, the movie's much better than the book.
The movie ended at 715, and bedtime's not 'til 730, so I said they could play for 15 minutes. This led to:
Em, looking up at me with big wide eyes: "Do you, want to play princesses, wifth me?"
Me: uh....
Em (handing me a princess): "You can be, Ariel, and I'll be Cinderella!"
Me: "Gee Em, that sure does sound like a lot of fun... but I've got an even better idea. What if we play, Ariel takes a three step drop, and Cinderella runs a slant, and then Ariel throws her a good ball over the left shoulder, and then Cinderella cuts back inside to freeze up the safety, and then runs 40 yards into the end zone for a last-second score. Then, the crowd goes WILD, and Cinderella does her touchdown dance and is a big hero! Wouldn't that be fun? Why don't we play that?"
[3 second pause while Em's two-year-old brain processes what I just said]
Em: "You can be, Ariel, and I'll be Cinderella!"
Me (sighing): "Hokay, I had to at least try. I'll be Ariel, and you be Cinderella. Why do I always have to be Ariel..."
And so there passed one of the longest 15 minute intervals of my life, due to a bizarre relativistic time effect whereby a critical mass of princesses creates a distortion in the local fabric of spacetime that makes the outside world experience 15 minutes, while you personally experience 100 million years. So after 100 million years of being The Little Mermaid, I was ready to go upstairs and read some stories. In particular, I was excited to finally read something new, since after all we had only just finished watching Cinderella- A Twist in Time...
Me: "So Em, what story do you want to read tonight?"
Em: "Let's read, Cinderella- Twist in Time!"
Oh God. I failed to anticipate two-year-old logic, in which it makes perfect sense that immediately after watching Cinderella- A Twist in Time, you would read Cinderella- A Twist in Time. But doggonnit, I'm not taking this one lying down. It's not too soon to start learning to reason like an adult...
Me: "Yes, but, honey, you just saw that. I've got an idea- what if we read ANYTHING ELSE other than Cinderella- A Twist in Time? That could be really fun too!"
Em (suddenly looking very distressed): "No, Cinderella- Twist in Time!"
Me (capitulating): "OK, OK, Cinderella- A Twist in Time. Help me find it."
So, we go over to the book bin and begin looking for the book. Magically, we are unable to find it amongst the gazillions of books about little girl things, like dogs and horses and princesses. Em is beginning to get upset, but I find another princess book, and after some coaxing, I get her to agree to read that instead. Yes, it's still a princess story, but it's a different princess story, and that, my friends, is victory! Unh! I win! Count it! I start to climb onto the bed to read her the story.
And that's when Li, who has been waiting in her room next door for me to finish reading to Em and who can hear everything, comes in and says "I know where it is!" and reaches into the bin and immediately pulls out, sure enough, Cinderella- A Twist in Time.
Em: "Yay!!!"
Me: "Wow, look at that Em, just when we thought all hope was lost, big sis comes to the rescue."
Em: "Big sis, come for res-cue."
And so, we read, for the umpteen millionth time, Cinderella- A Twist in Time. GA says she's learned to let her mind go someplace else, even while she's reading to them. I don't do it often enough to have developed that skill, so I just stoically suffer through it. That said, they're precious little girls, and it's fun to hang out with them. And sooner or later she'll surely find a new Obsession. I'm rooting for either baseball or physics. I mean, it could happen, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment