As we headed back to our respective lives, a big question loomed: what do we do about it? Do we just go back to living as we had before, and chalk it all up to one moment in time in the jungle, whose circumstances would never repeat? Or did the events of the week point to a path, and if so, should we try to follow it?
In the voicemail of my phone is the original message Jill left me when she arrived back in DC to pick up her dog. In it, she says that felt everything had changed for her. I felt the same way, and so very quickly we agreed that Jill would fly out to CA and we would spend a long weekend together. Over the course of that weekend, we would talk through all the issues surrounding the idea of our trying to date. We even assigned each other the homework of writing down what all our hopes, fears, concerns, and expectations would be about trying to date.
For the next 2 weeks, we each worked on our homework. Now, writing down all that stuff sounded a bit daunting, so we each, completely independently, opted to present our homework to the other in a creative way. Jill did her homework as a legislative resolution, fully replete with legislative jargon and vetted by the legislative counsel at her work. I did mine as a powerpoint presentation of the proposed merger of Jill, Inc. and GusCo. I included all the usual trappings of a powerpoint presentation: charts, graphs, tables, etc. The weekend of January 23rd, Jill flew out to CA, and we presented our projects to each other.
Jill went first, and I had a lot of fun reading about a relationship as written by a legislative analyst. Although the bulk of it must remain private, the preamble gives you a taste:
"FINDINGS:
WHEREAS "we", the parties involved, including "me", otherwise known as "I" and "myself", and "you" have decided that there is an agreement to carry forward a discussion of the possibility of a relationship between said parties in some capacity;
WHEREAS, in the vein of full disclosure we intend to be completely honest with ourselves and one another, not withholding any feelings or discussions, and reserving the right to ask for clarifying information;
WHEREAS, if one of us reverses position on any discussion and/or feeling, then the other shall be notified immediately, or within a reasonable or expected amount of time;
THEREFORE, we shall review and discuss these (but not limited to those issues as documented herein) issues:"
From there it proceeds into the various issues, each of which has its section, subsections, sub-subsections, and in some cases, sub-sub-subsections, as enumerated. One of my favorites is Section 5, "Children", subsection 2, which states:
"This issue shall be discussed as it is outlined pursuant to SECTION 1:(3)(a-b), SECTION 3, SECTION 4, and SECTION 6: (3) and (4)."
It took me like 15 minutes to look up all the references. It's amazing anyone actually reads any of the legislation that comes out of Congress, much less actually understands it.
Oh, wait.
Then I gave my presentation. Here are the first three slides:
It only goes downhill from the Venn diagram, let me assure you.
Our hopes, concerns, fears, and expectations overlapped by probably 95%. The only major difference was that I had not highlighted religion as an area of any concern. For Jill, religion was a concern because she had converted to orthodox Judaism for her first husband (and in fact still technically is orthodox Jewish, at least from the point of view of orthodox Judaism, a fact that I have lots of fun with) and she wanted to know if I would require her to convert to Catholicism.
When she revealed that, I actually laughed. I quickly apologized, saying I did not mean to trivialize her concern. But, for anyone who really knows me, and what a hopeless excuse for a Catholic I am, the thought of requiring someone to convert to Catholicism for me seemed entirely comical. So, we were able to dispense with that particular area of concern reasonably quickly.
Having established that we philosophically matched enough to think about dating long-term, we next commenced a discussion of whether we could make it work logistically. After all, we lived on opposite sides of the country, and we each (but most especially me) had failed long-distance relationships in the past. We decided there needed to be a stake in the ground- a point past which we would no longer do long distance. We further agreed that at that point, Jill would move out here, since she loved CA and had wanted to move back for some time and since I'd committed to building up our tutoring business in the Bay Area. In a surprisingly short time, we'd charted out the next 7 months:
Feb: Jill comes to CA for the President's Day dinner party extravaganza.
Mar: Gus goes to Harrisburg (HBG) for a weekend
Apr: Gus goes to HBG as Jill's escort to the annual fundraising event she organizes
May: Jill comes to CA for a weekend, and begins CA job searching
Jun: We meet in NYC since I have to be there for work
July: We go to StL to meet my family and Atlanta to meet hers
Aug: We try to see each other if possible, but 8/26 is the 4-year anniversary of our first meeting each other at JOC's wedding, and that is our stake in the ground- whether or not Jill has found a job in CA, we commence moving her out.
Thus, having plotted out the first 7 months of our relationship, we agreed that we should consider ourselves "dating". At this point, figuring we should probably stop planning and start adding in a little actual romance, I took us out to a nice dinner in the city, and we attended the opening weekend of the SF Ballet. It was a lovely evening, and a great way to kick off our officially sanctioned dating. Sadly, the next day Jill had to return to her life in HBG.
In Feb, Jill came out for the dinner party weekend. You can read about it here:
In March, I went to HBG, and about all I can say that's suitable for a blog of this nature is that I enjoyed meeting Jill's HBG circle, and that while we were out on the town Saturday night, we were photographed and featured in the HBG social pages. Here's the photograph that was taken of us:
Harrisburg Socialites
In April, I returned to HBG and escorted Jill to her big annual Gala event, which is a major fundraiser for her organization: the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (PCAR). The weekend had the additional element that Jill's mom came up for the event as well, so it was my first time meeting her. Jane was very nice- a true genteel southern woman, and we seemed to get off on the right foot.
The event was everything you'd expect a nonprofit fundraiser to be: boring as crap, until the dancing started. For most people I imagine it was still boring as crap, but I can entertain myself on a dance floor for quite some time, and did that night. Here are some of my favorite pics from the evening:
We are simple folk, but we clean up nicely.
Tripping the light fantastic...
Yeah, that's right. Jill's tawkin' ta *you*.
In May, Jill came out to commence job searching, and quickly started getting some interest. But we mostly stayed home in HMB, and kept things pretty mellow. It didn't help that May is one of my peak busy periods, so it was hard to keep work from encroaching on our time, but we made the best of things and had a nice weekend.
In June, we met in NYC.
The best part about visiting NYC? Seeing all my old NYC friends. The 2nd-best part about visiting NYC? Halal cart.
I had to be there for 2 days of meetings for work, so we decided to meet in the city a few days early and re-live our first 3 dates there, from back in 2006. Thus, in the course of 2 days we had a nice lunch, went walking around Central Park, stayed at the Night Hotel in Times Square, had dinner at Asia de Cuba, managed this second time around to get a round of drinks at the Library Bar, and then, just for fun, we invited all our NYC friends to join us on the rooftop of 230 5th avenue, where once upon a time I had had my going-away-from-New-York party.
The party at 230 5th was a lot of fun, although I had a bit of an awkward moment when my former student IR showed up and I, in a semi-drunken haze, said loudly, "IR!!!! It's so great to see you! How are you?? Did you finally dump that fucking loser boyfriend of yours?"
(pause)
IR: "Uh... I'd like you to meet Forrest." (points awkwardly at the guy standing slightly behind her, who is not looking pleased).
Me (fighting hard to process this through the alcoholic haze): "Wait, uh, Forrest... that was your boyfriend's name, right?"
IR: "Yes, that's right."
Me: "Uh, yeah, right, well.. [searching vainly for a graceful recovery] ... Forrest! Pleasure meeting you!" (I shake his hand vigorously.)
Forrest: "Uh huh."
Aside from establishing that I hadn't lost my gift for saying exactly the worst possible thing in any given moment, the evening was a blast. As was the weekend in general. It's not often in life that you get a do-over, but we enjoyed our weekend re-doing our dates in NYC.
A few weeks later, we each flew into StL for a couple days. Jill got to meet my mom for the first time. I picked Jill up from the airport, and the meeting went like this:
(Gus and Jill walk in the front door..)
Me: "Hey mom, this is Jill.."
Jill: "Hi Mrs. Mattam-"
Mom: "OHMYGODI'MSOHAPPYTOMEETYOU!!!" (bear hugs Jill and bursts into tears) "SOBSOBSOBSOBSOB YOU'RESOBEAUTIFUL SOBSOBSOBSOBSOB"
(Gus shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot as Jill endures the bear hugging/sobbing, looking a bit like a deer caught in headlights..)
Me: "Uh, sorry... she doesn't normally do this when she meets people."
But, Jill handled it well, and in short order we got settled.
Relaxing on the sofa post bizarrely-emotional-mom-greeting.
No introduction to StL could be complete without baseball, so we went to the Cardinals game that night with Kev and the gang, although sadly the stupid Brewers managed to win.
Even losing to the Brew Crew can't dampen the enjoyment of a beautiful day in a beautiful park, with Jill and Kev and the gang..
My brother Willie drove up from McConnell AFB in Kansas to join us, and so on Friday morning he, my sister, my nephew Zack, and my mom went with Jill and me over the river into Illinois to visit my grandpa. We met him at the Denny's in Waterloo- as a connoisseur of Denny's, I have to say that it's fairly average, but still a good time.
Straight chillin' wit' gramps at the Waterloo Denny's
When we got back over the river, Anne joined us and we went downtown to the City Museum. 100 years ago, the City Museum was a shoe factory. Now, it is nothing less than a Temple of Extreme Awesomeness. Everything in it is a tunnel to crawl through, a structure to climb on, or something to slide down. I was in heaven..
Yes, that is a *bus* hanging off the roof..
.. which reminds me to tell you this story: in 8th grade, they made us take a career questionnaire in school. You answered a ton of questions, and then there were 100 careers shown. Your personality profile, based on your answers to the questions, caused each of the 100 careers to be categorized 1 through 5, according to this rubric:
5 = you'd be great for this career!
4 = you could certainly consider this career.
3 = not obvious that this career suits you, but then again, not obvious that it doesn't.
2 = you should probably stay away from this.
1 = for god's sake, don't even bother considering this as a career choice.
I remember my results well. Not perfectly, but well. For instance, I *do* remember of the 100 careers, how many got assigned to each category for me:
2 careers were assigned a 5.
1 career was assigned a 4.
0 careers were assigned a 3.
2 careers were assigned a 2.
95 careers were assigned a 1.
I don't remember anymore what the 4 or the two 2's were. But I do still remember what the 2 careers they were certain I'd be great at:
College Professor
and
Bus driver.
There is a ferris wheel on the roof! (Among lots of other things to climb.)
I wanted to see how far back-and-forth the seat would swing at the top, but Jill politely informed me (and I'm paraphrasing here) that doing so would be the equivalent of choosing lifetime celibacy.
Still, I thought about it.
To get onto the roof in the first place, you must first pass through a room. A room with a great dome. And up at the very center of the great dome is a small portal to the roof. You have two options at this point. If you are a superwuss, you stare up at the center of the great dome, and then find the doorway that leads to stairs that lead to the roof.
However, if you are a superhero, you climb inside the rebar cage, and climb up the side of the dome, and then through the tiny rebar tunnel that leaves you totally prone and inching along 50 feet above the floor, with only a few pieces of rebar separating you from certain death. The rebar tunnel leads to a Thunderdome-like cage at the center of the great dome, and at the top of the cage is the little portal to the roof.
I am a superhero.
Still climbing the side..
But the best part of the City Museum? The ten-story slide. That's right: a *ten* *story* *slide*.
Pure awesomeness.
The next day, my sister and Zack headed back to Texas, while mom and I opened up the house to all my StL friends, to come on down for snacks and conversation.
My sister and my nephew Zack. By all accounts, Zack is already putting the moves on girls, which he surely gets from his uncle Mikie. Also by all accounts, these moves fail miserably, which he surely gets from his uncle Gus.
It was a beautiful day, and we all sat around the yard trading stories in the shade for several hours, until it was time to head to the airport to fly to Atlanta. Almost all my StL friends came by, including my latest reconnection with my distant past: Bryce. Through the magic that is FB, we reconnected after approximately 20 years. He and I had been in an after-school math program for super-geeky people, and he looked me up on FB. He's a great guy, and it was nice to see him again after all those years.
Kev (24 years later, still utterly inseparable from the phone), Reilly, Janet, Bob, Tom, Sandy, Mike
Bob, Jeffrey, Sandia (pregnant, and insisting on standing)
Jill, me, Bryce
Me, shots, and drunk chicks (Jill, Kate). Life is good.
But, eventually it was time to head to Atlanta, where we were due the next day to attend a massive 4th of July (that's pronounced JEW-lie in the South) celebration at Jill's uncle Phil's place. It was an old-fashioned southern family get-together, with tons of food and lots of folks. I mostly resisted the urge to suspect that at least some of this was about coming on down to have a look at the new guy dating Jill, and instead focused on chatting with folks, and playing football with some of the kids.
A small fraction of Jill's clan..
After a very long day of meeting what seemed like all 3,427,853 members of Jill's extended family (these kinds of events tire me out, since I'm naturally introverted and only enjoy interacting with people I already know), we finally headed back to Jill's mom's place.
The next day Jill took me around town, showing me places that were significant in her childhood, and then we had dinner with her mom and headed back to Atlanta for our flights back to our respective homes. It was a whirlwind weekend of meeting family, but it went remarkably smoothly, and while exhausting, was surprisingly enjoyable.
Pit stop to meet the Giles kids.. Jill's quasi-nieces-and-nephew, soon to become my quasi-nieces-and-nephew-in-law.
In late July, Jill came to CA one more time, for interviews. She actually ended up getting the second job offer of her Bay Area search, but neither the first offer (in Sunnyvale running a shelter for the YWCA), nor the 2nd offer (in Berkeley, doing marketing for other nonprofits) was the right fit.
Also in July, we determined that Jill would actually move out to CA a little earlier than anticipated, arriving in CA on August 9th. It would be the start of a whole new era for both of us. But in the meantime, we'd go almost a month without seeing each other, after seeing each other every couple weeks for the past few months.
And in that month, I realized that it was time. And so, a grand plan began to take shape...
