1) In certain ways, I am very much not the stereotypical guy, but in certain ways I am.
For instance, take clothes. I am deeply, profoundly apathetic about clothing. I have a few things I feel comfortable wearing, and my preference is to wear those things over and over until they eventually become rags that actually fall off my body.
Once, when Keiko was visiting, she was helping me fold my laundry and she lifted out a couple of wifebeaters that, I admit, may have had a few small holes in them. I mean, nothing serious- they were holes still too small to accidentally put my arm through...
Keiko [holding up the 2 wifebeaters]: "Babe, seriously?"
Me: "What? What's wrong with them?"
Keiko: "Why don't you consider retiring just _these_ two? Baby steps..."
Me: "Why??? They're still wearable!"
Keiko: "I know baby- we use all parts of the buffalo. But still."
Me [sighing]: "Fine. But just those two."
So I allowed those 2 to be retired. As I was packing Wed morning to come here to Houston for Thanksgiving, I was putting away laundry and grudgingly decided to retire a pair of underwear that was pretty close to being a rag. I felt quite proud of myself, and bragged about it to Keiko later.
It was raining when I left HMB; the first real rain we've had since a freak thunderstorm early in the summer. As I got out of the car at the airport, and stepped into a puddle, I realized that the lack of rain makes me wear shoes a lot longer than I used to; within seconds, my socks were damp because there are large cracks through the soles of both of my favorite shoes. Damn. That means I have to find new shoes. That leads me to my second thought:
2) I hate shopping. I've always hated it. Hated it a lot. I put my sister on one of my credit cards so that I wouldn't have to ever go shopping; she knows my pants and shirt sizes, and roughly what styles I like, so when I need stuff I just ask her to look for me. "I need some shirts for work," I'll say, and like magic, a couple of weeks later shirts arrive. It's a symbiotic relationship- she gets to shop but not spend any of her money, and I get clothes without shopping. It works beautifully.
So tomorrow we go to look for shoes. Winter comes to HMB in January, so I'll need shoes that don't leak by then.
3) I read that someone got trampled to death by people stampeding to get into a WalMart Friday morning. Seriously, I don't care if they're selling Electrolux refrigerators for $3.99 in there, if you can't wait calmly to walk into the store like a sane person, you're lamer than a 3-legged horse. Actually, you're lamer than a 3-legged horse whose 3 legs are all broken. What kind of person does that?
Actually, I know what kind of person does that. Once, I went to the San Diego zoo, and there was a tiger enclosure with a glass wall. The tiger liked sleeping up against the glass, and right next to his favorite sleeping spot was a sign on the glass saying "Please do not tap on the glass. It disturbs the tiger."
While I was standing there, a guy came up next to me, looked at the tiger, read the sign, looked at the tiger again, and then tapped on the glass, right above the sleeping tiger's head. It was at that point that I imagined a hinged glass panel, which, when tapped like that, would flip over, dumping the idiot who tapped on the glass right on top of the tiger. Such an arrangement would both cut down on the feeding cost of the tiger, and make the average human marginally smarter and less annoying, all through a process of natural selection.
Anyway, that guy would have been one of the people stampeding to get into WalMart.
4) Being a Missouri football fan is depressing, and watching them lose so many close, heartbreaking games over the last 10-15 years gives me a small glimpse of what it's like to be a Cubs fan.
This weekend's result: Kansas 40, Mizzou 37. [Bite me, Chris]
5) I have spent 3 days in a row doing nothing but sleeping, eating, reading, and watching TV. Although I could never live this way all the time, doing it once a year for 3 days is _awesome_.
6) I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Why I Love Half Moon Bay, Pt 5
It was sunny this morning by the house, the fog having retreated about half a mile offshore, but you could see that a couple miles south, down by the state beach, the fog was still ashore. I decided to go for a bike ride, to get my one cardio point for the day.
[Laszlo and I are in the middle of cardio month, in which 30 minutes of cardio activity constitutes 1 point, and you can earn up to 1 point per day. We're in a friendly contest to see who gets the most points by the end of November. Right now I'm up 11-10, unless he runs tonight.]
Once down by the state beach, where the path starts going up along the cliff, the view became awesome- there was fog everywhere, I was biking right along the edge of the cliff, and it was high tide, so the waves were coming in at about 8-10 feet. Really spectacular.
And then I noticed a fin in the water. Slowing down to look, I saw that it seemed very dolphin-like. I've heard down at the harbor that there are dolphins in the area, but I'd never seen any. And although it looked dolphin-like, I always thought dolphins were not solitary creatures, so I was trying to figure out what else it could be when I looked to my left at a particularly big wave beginning to break and saw that there was not just 1 fin, but 2....3...4..5.6.7.8 fins.
Oh.
A whole pod of dolphins, coming in to ride the big waves. They looked like they were having fun.
I watched them for a while, and then I started hatching a plan whereby I would tie my sweatshirt to the brush on the edge of the cliff, bike like crazy the 1/4 mile down to the beach trail, ride down to the sand, abandon the bike, run back the 1/4 mile until I saw the sweatshirt hanging, then shuck my shirt and shoes and go in to swim among the dolphins. At exactly the point I got all this worked out, the dolphins all turned around and started swimming straight out to sea.
Damn.
My dream of swimming with the dolphins will have to wait for another day. Well, that's OK- the sea teaches you to be patient, and it was a bit chilly anyway. But still, it was awesome to see dolphins. As JJM would say, it warms the soul.
I love HMB.
[Laszlo and I are in the middle of cardio month, in which 30 minutes of cardio activity constitutes 1 point, and you can earn up to 1 point per day. We're in a friendly contest to see who gets the most points by the end of November. Right now I'm up 11-10, unless he runs tonight.]
Once down by the state beach, where the path starts going up along the cliff, the view became awesome- there was fog everywhere, I was biking right along the edge of the cliff, and it was high tide, so the waves were coming in at about 8-10 feet. Really spectacular.
And then I noticed a fin in the water. Slowing down to look, I saw that it seemed very dolphin-like. I've heard down at the harbor that there are dolphins in the area, but I'd never seen any. And although it looked dolphin-like, I always thought dolphins were not solitary creatures, so I was trying to figure out what else it could be when I looked to my left at a particularly big wave beginning to break and saw that there was not just 1 fin, but 2....3...4..5.6.7.8 fins.
Oh.
A whole pod of dolphins, coming in to ride the big waves. They looked like they were having fun.
I watched them for a while, and then I started hatching a plan whereby I would tie my sweatshirt to the brush on the edge of the cliff, bike like crazy the 1/4 mile down to the beach trail, ride down to the sand, abandon the bike, run back the 1/4 mile until I saw the sweatshirt hanging, then shuck my shirt and shoes and go in to swim among the dolphins. At exactly the point I got all this worked out, the dolphins all turned around and started swimming straight out to sea.
Damn.
My dream of swimming with the dolphins will have to wait for another day. Well, that's OK- the sea teaches you to be patient, and it was a bit chilly anyway. But still, it was awesome to see dolphins. As JJM would say, it warms the soul.
I love HMB.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Science is AWESOME!
I decided I'm going to make a list of awesome science headlines for my office, so I can get kids more interested in learning about it. First on the list is going to be this headline:
"Scientists turn tequila into diamonds"
http://www.physorg.com/news145255770.html
Imagine... now you'll be able to say to a woman, "Hey baby, I've got a bottle of tequila here... why don't we go back to my place and I'll make you margaritas and diamonds."
Science _rocks_.
Of course, most students will still end up being turned off from science by the thoroughly incompetent, interest-crushing manner in which it is typically taught, but perhaps now a few more will be drawn in...
"Scientists turn tequila into diamonds"
http://www.physorg.com/news145255770.html
Imagine... now you'll be able to say to a woman, "Hey baby, I've got a bottle of tequila here... why don't we go back to my place and I'll make you margaritas and diamonds."
Science _rocks_.
Of course, most students will still end up being turned off from science by the thoroughly incompetent, interest-crushing manner in which it is typically taught, but perhaps now a few more will be drawn in...
Friday, November 7, 2008
If I were a conservative...
I'd still have voted for Obama, but I'd've been incensed at the modern Republican party for so utterly abandoning conservatism for the weird ideological hodgepodge that they've evolved to over the last 20 years or so. The modern Republican party seems to have abandoned a number of core principles:
1) Limited government power
The Bush administration in particular has vastly expanded government power. Warrentless wiretapping? Seriously? In THIS country? There's nothing conservative about that.
2) Maximizing individual freedom of choice
A prime example: the abortion issue. If abortion is legal, then everyone can make a choice consistent with their principles- if you think abortion is wrong, you don't have one. If you think it's acceptable, you do. Individual freedom is maximized. Sure, some compromise like no 3rd-trimester abortions is probably sensible, to account for the fact that by that time the developing fetus is capable of surviving outside the mother, is clearly human, etc. But promoting an outright ban is not consistent with conservative princples.
Or, you can do what the Republican party has done, and make Sarah Palin, whose philosophy seems to be "if your father rapes you, I'm going to make you pay for the rape kit and keep the baby", the face of the party.
3) Promoting "American exceptionalism"
I like the idea of American exceptionalism. But it's a really hard sell when you're torturing prisoners (Abu Ghraib), holding people without charges (Guantanamo), and secretly shipping people to other countries for torture sessions that violate the Geneva conventions and our own internal laws. That's not conservatism, that's despotism.
4) Fiscal responsibility
President Bush and his congressional allies have done a marvelous job of turning hundreds of millions of dollars of surplus into hundreds of millions of dollars of deficit. There's nothing conservative about that. Instead, the party has become a party of cutting taxes at all times, whether it makes any conceivable sense to do so or not. Conservatism would be about doing the thing that makes fiscal sense.
5) Government efficiency
Conservatism should be about making sure government agencies are as lean as they can be, while accomplishing whatever tasks are needed. Instead, for the last 8 years we've had nothing but incompetence from the people appointed to run government agencies. Showcase example: FEMA during Katrina. That kind of performance is not conservatism. And Katrina brings me to:
6) Promoting a meritocracy
Conservatism should be about individuals working hard and getting rewarded as a result. Instead, since the Reagan Revolution we've seen a pretty steady decline in social mobility, which has led to tremendous empowerment of the very well-off, while holding down everyone else. There's nothing conservative about that. And don't even get me started on President Bush and the nincompoops he appointed to key positions within the federal government. Heckuva job there, Mr. President.
On all of these issues, the Republican party has completely ceded the ground to the Democrats. And lo and behold, the Republicans got their asses kicked. They were only able to pull off the 2000 election because people were so frustrated with President Clinton's shenanigans, and they were only able to pull off 2004 because enough people were still residually scared from the 9/11 experience. And that's without factoring in any election-day cheating. It's been a long time since they've won on ideas; fear/anger is pretty much all they've got. And it's not working anymore. People are less afraid of terrorism, less afraid of gay people (and getting less afraid all the time- in another generation no one will care anymore), and generally less likely to respond to a message like Senator McCain's, which basically boiled down to: "Elect me because you're afraid of life under the other guy."
So at this point, any true conservative has to vote Dem or abstain completely. But I'd be hopping mad, and I'd want to spend the next 4 years re-writing the Republican platform. And if the Grover Norquists and James Dobsons of the world didn't like the new platform, I'd tell them to kiss my ass and stay home on election day. Because the party that pushes the ideals above will be extremely attractive to the middle 60% of voters.
Election '08 proved it.
1) Limited government power
The Bush administration in particular has vastly expanded government power. Warrentless wiretapping? Seriously? In THIS country? There's nothing conservative about that.
2) Maximizing individual freedom of choice
A prime example: the abortion issue. If abortion is legal, then everyone can make a choice consistent with their principles- if you think abortion is wrong, you don't have one. If you think it's acceptable, you do. Individual freedom is maximized. Sure, some compromise like no 3rd-trimester abortions is probably sensible, to account for the fact that by that time the developing fetus is capable of surviving outside the mother, is clearly human, etc. But promoting an outright ban is not consistent with conservative princples.
Or, you can do what the Republican party has done, and make Sarah Palin, whose philosophy seems to be "if your father rapes you, I'm going to make you pay for the rape kit and keep the baby", the face of the party.
3) Promoting "American exceptionalism"
I like the idea of American exceptionalism. But it's a really hard sell when you're torturing prisoners (Abu Ghraib), holding people without charges (Guantanamo), and secretly shipping people to other countries for torture sessions that violate the Geneva conventions and our own internal laws. That's not conservatism, that's despotism.
4) Fiscal responsibility
President Bush and his congressional allies have done a marvelous job of turning hundreds of millions of dollars of surplus into hundreds of millions of dollars of deficit. There's nothing conservative about that. Instead, the party has become a party of cutting taxes at all times, whether it makes any conceivable sense to do so or not. Conservatism would be about doing the thing that makes fiscal sense.
5) Government efficiency
Conservatism should be about making sure government agencies are as lean as they can be, while accomplishing whatever tasks are needed. Instead, for the last 8 years we've had nothing but incompetence from the people appointed to run government agencies. Showcase example: FEMA during Katrina. That kind of performance is not conservatism. And Katrina brings me to:
6) Promoting a meritocracy
Conservatism should be about individuals working hard and getting rewarded as a result. Instead, since the Reagan Revolution we've seen a pretty steady decline in social mobility, which has led to tremendous empowerment of the very well-off, while holding down everyone else. There's nothing conservative about that. And don't even get me started on President Bush and the nincompoops he appointed to key positions within the federal government. Heckuva job there, Mr. President.
On all of these issues, the Republican party has completely ceded the ground to the Democrats. And lo and behold, the Republicans got their asses kicked. They were only able to pull off the 2000 election because people were so frustrated with President Clinton's shenanigans, and they were only able to pull off 2004 because enough people were still residually scared from the 9/11 experience. And that's without factoring in any election-day cheating. It's been a long time since they've won on ideas; fear/anger is pretty much all they've got. And it's not working anymore. People are less afraid of terrorism, less afraid of gay people (and getting less afraid all the time- in another generation no one will care anymore), and generally less likely to respond to a message like Senator McCain's, which basically boiled down to: "Elect me because you're afraid of life under the other guy."
So at this point, any true conservative has to vote Dem or abstain completely. But I'd be hopping mad, and I'd want to spend the next 4 years re-writing the Republican platform. And if the Grover Norquists and James Dobsons of the world didn't like the new platform, I'd tell them to kiss my ass and stay home on election day. Because the party that pushes the ideals above will be extremely attractive to the middle 60% of voters.
Election '08 proved it.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Oh (mostly) happy day!
At so many times, and in so many ways, this country has done dumb stuff. And yet, there have been times when this country has really gotten it right. The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, emancipation, suffrage, civil rights, saying we'd send a man to the moon, and doing it. But no moment like that has occurred in my lifetime.
Until yesterday.
It was so awesome to finally feel like I'm living in one of those moments where America really gets it right. Thanks to everyone who helped make that possible.
I heard on the news today that Israel and the Palestinians are shelling each other again. Congratulations, President-Elect Obama. You had about 6 hours or so to bask in the warm glow of an historic victory. Now you start paying the price of victory.
Good luck, my man.
The only terribly disappointing thing was the passage of Proposition 8, to amend the state constitution to ban gay marriage. I didn't do enough to fight this. I didn't donate money. I thought about making a sign and pasting it to my car, but I opted not to because the only ideas I had were ideas like:
NO on Prop 8 - Seriously people, it's the 21st century.
Prop 8 - The Last Refuge for Bigots
NO on Prop 8 - It's "Liberty and Justice for all", NOT "bigotry and injustice for all"!!
and so on. Probably not going to change any minds with signs like that.
And, I was mostly obsessed with the presidential election. But I want to see a proposition in 2010 to repeal that stinking piece of crap from my state constitution, and if there is one, I'm definitely getting on board early.
Still, it's a good day today. Morning in America, at last.
Until yesterday.
It was so awesome to finally feel like I'm living in one of those moments where America really gets it right. Thanks to everyone who helped make that possible.
I heard on the news today that Israel and the Palestinians are shelling each other again. Congratulations, President-Elect Obama. You had about 6 hours or so to bask in the warm glow of an historic victory. Now you start paying the price of victory.
Good luck, my man.
The only terribly disappointing thing was the passage of Proposition 8, to amend the state constitution to ban gay marriage. I didn't do enough to fight this. I didn't donate money. I thought about making a sign and pasting it to my car, but I opted not to because the only ideas I had were ideas like:
NO on Prop 8 - Seriously people, it's the 21st century.
Prop 8 - The Last Refuge for Bigots
NO on Prop 8 - It's "Liberty and Justice for all", NOT "bigotry and injustice for all"!!
and so on. Probably not going to change any minds with signs like that.
And, I was mostly obsessed with the presidential election. But I want to see a proposition in 2010 to repeal that stinking piece of crap from my state constitution, and if there is one, I'm definitely getting on board early.
Still, it's a good day today. Morning in America, at last.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Why I'm not cut out for a life of crime...
There are many illustrations. One of the early instances of my realizing this important fact was in high school, in Russian class with my friend Foma. We had a game we used to play -and by 'we', I mean 'Foma'- that, well, rather than try to explain it I'll just lay out a typical instance of the game...
Foma's Game
Game Clock (min:sec)....Event
00:00Mr. Morris turns to the board to illustrate Russian grammar, signaling the start of the game
00:01Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:01.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:02Gus mutters under his breath, "quit it."
00:03Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:03.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:04Gus mutters a little more loudly, "quit it."
00:05Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:05.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:06Gus mutters a little more insistently, "quit it."
00:07Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:07.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:08Gus mutters very annoyedly, "quit it, goddammit."
00:09Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:09.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:10Gus mutters angrily, "quit IT!"
00:11Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:11.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:12Gus mutters furiously, "QUIT IT!!"
00:13Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:13.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:14Gus mutters murderously, "QUIT IT GODDAMMIT!!"
00:15Foma leans over to his right and slugs Gus in the shoulder
00:15.5Foma flashes evil grin
00:16Gus leans over to his left, reaching across his body to slug Foma
00:16.2Gus's arm is hanging in the empty space in the aisle, fist clenched, on a clear trajectory to hit Foma
00:16.3Mr. Morris turns around from the board, and sees Gus about to slug Foma
00:16.5Mr. Morris: "Gus, give me your card."
00:16.6Foma flashes evil grin
00:17Gus gets up to hand Mr. Morris his demerit card. Game ends. Winner: Foma
I don't recall ever winning this game, btw.
For those of you who are not veterans of Jesuit education, we all had demerit cards. On the back was a pattern of characters: 1 2 3 4 J 1 2 3 4 J 1 2 3 J 1 2 3 J...
Teachers gave you demerits for breaking any of the various and sundry rules. When you got to a "J", that meant you got a "JUG", which stands for "Justice Under God", which is an hour of hard labor after school. Mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, whatever.
If you really fucked up, you got a Saturday jug, which was 8 hours hard labor on a saturday. I only got one of those, senior year. I spent 6 hours mowing grass in the heat, and 2 hours weeding Brother Thornton's rose garden. Without gloves. I'd grab a handful of weeds, and pull, only to discover a dead branch of rose bush had fallen in there. So basically, I spent 2 hours cursing and pulling thorns out of my hand. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt more Catholic.
But the Foma game illustrates how merciless fate is about keeping me on the straight and narrow. Here's another illustration...
Fast forward to October 1994. I graduated from Pomona in May, my dad gave me our second car, a little Plymouth Sundance that I called Mr. Perkins, because it was an average, nondescript car that needed an average, nondescript name. I piled all my things into it in June and moved back to LA, to move in with my girlfriend Tasha. Now that it's October, Mr. Perkins' Missouri registration has just expired. I've researched what it would cost to register the car in CA, and I can't afford it. I'm in my third month at Katz Communications, where my salary is $15,600. That's not a lot to live on in LA, with student loans, rent, gas, insurance, etc.
The basic registration is only about $100, and that part I can cobble together using my strategy of gratefully accepting any time one of the account executives offers to take me to lunch, then getting half of whatever I order in a to-go box, so I can have it for dinner. But, since my car is from out-of-state, CA also wants me to pay a $300 "smog impact fee", and I just don't have it.
My strategy: the sticker won't show as expired until 11/1. At that point, all I have to do is stay off the radar until 12/20, when I fly home to StL. I'll take all the money I get from Christmas, and save until then, and I should be able to cobble together the payment. Note here that my intent is to comply with the law as best I can given my economic circumstances.
Fast forward to December 15th or so...
I've been in the habit of running my gas tank as low as it can go, to delay having to spend money on gas as long as possible. As a risk mitigation measure, I keep a small gas can in the trunk, in case I run out.
At about 1am, coming back from dance rehearsal in Claremont, I run out of gas on the 10 freeway. No problem- I'll just dump the emergency gas in there and be on my way.
At about 105am, the California Highway Patrol pulls up behind me, and shines the light on me, dumping gas into the car. The officers get out and slowly approach.
Officer 1: "Is this your vehicle?"
Me: "Uh, yes."
Officer 2: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Uh, well, I ran out of gas but I keep some emergency gas in the trunk, so I'm just putting that in."
Officer 1: "Can we see some ID?"
Me: "Sure." I hand over my driver's license. Officer 1 takes it and goes back to the car. Officer 2 watches me while we wait.
After a while, Officer 1 comes back.
Officer 1: "This car is not registered to you. I thought you said it was your car."
Me: "Well, it's registered to my dad, but he gave it to me, and I'm going to get it registered here in CA. You can see our last names are the same."
This seems to satisfy CHP. They say they'll watch to make sure I get going OK.
I finish putting gas in the car, get back in, start up Mr. Perkins, and pull onto the freeway. CHP pulls onto the freeway behind me. 10 yards down the road, they flip on their lights and pull me back over. I pull onto the shoulder and wait while the officer approaches.
Officer 1: "We noticed your registration is expired. You've been driving on expired registration. License please."
I hand over my license, giving him the whole sob story about how I'm leaving at the end of the week to go home, where I'll finally be able to get the money to afford the registration. Officer 1 doesn't give a shit. He just let me drive 10 yards down the highway so he could officially give me a ticket for driving on expired registration.
He writes me the ticket. I curse my star-crossed fate, and remember Foma, and note once again that I'll never succeed as a criminal.
As a special ironic postscript, some years later the "smog impact fee" was ruled unconstitutional, and I got a check in the mail for $300 plus some nominal interest.
In case you're wondering why I'm writing about all this today, let's start with last night. Joel borrowed the car to go drive to Berkeley so he could go to a Halloween party with his Female Of Interest (FOI). I was content to hang at the beach house with Kona and catch up on episodes of the Daily Show and Colbert, and maybe take a short evening beach walk. It's a little rainy, which is extremely unusual for HMB outside of Jan-Mar, but the beach is nice even in the rain.
I told Joel the curfew was 10am Sat morning, since I needed the car at that point to drive to work to tutor. At 830 this morning, Joel called...
Joel: "So, I'm up, and I went outside to drive back from Berkeley, and the front right tire is totally flat."
Me: "Shit."
Joel: "Yeah, I'm going to get working on that."
So I push back my tutoring meeting, and get out of bed. I realize that Kona hasn't been walked since early evening yesterday, so I leash her up and we go outside. Kona wants to run a bit, so I run with her, and she leads me straight to the sandy beach path.
Now, technically, HMB state beach is no-dogs-allowed. You have to walk up a bit to where the state beach ends. But it's 9am on a rainy Saturday morning, and there's absolutely no one around, and Kona _really_ wants to go down that path, so we walk down the sandy beach path about 20 feet, and Kona does her #2 thing. I stop to pick up after her, and unclip her leash figuring I'll give her like 2 minutes of freedom before taking her back. In spite of the gentle rain, it's quite warm, and the beach is beautiful. The waves are really coming in, and crashing noisily onto the sand.
So noisily that I didn't hear the HMB state park ranger pull into the parking lot behind us.
Kona is 20 feet onto the sandy path, and has been unleashed for a grand total of 45 seconds. I turn around and see the ranger approaching.
Yes, it's going to be one of those days. It's like 9am and already I just want it to be over. I clip Kona up again and wait for the ranger.
In the end, I get a break because I'm a local. I get a long lecture, the ranger takes down all my information and puts me into the computer and gives me a warning, saying that if they catch me again I'll get _two_ tickets.
The thing is, locals take their dogs on the beach all the time. They just don't do it on weekends. Weekends are when all the outsiders come, and that's when they patrol the beaches. And me, not normally dealing with dog issues, I forgot that the unwritten rule is that you only take the dogs down there during the week, when there are no outsiders.
Sigh.
So, this is why I decided long ago that I'm just not cut out for a life of crime. The universe punishes me swiftly and mercilessly.
Foma's Game
Game Clock (min:sec)....Event
00:00
00:01
00:01.5
00:02
00:03
00:03.5
00:04
00:05
00:05.5
00:06
00:07
00:07.5
00:08
00:09
00:09.5
00:10
00:11
00:11.5
00:12
00:13
00:13.5
00:14
00:15
00:15.5
00:16
00:16.2
00:16.3
00:16.5
00:16.6
00:17
I don't recall ever winning this game, btw.
For those of you who are not veterans of Jesuit education, we all had demerit cards. On the back was a pattern of characters: 1 2 3 4 J 1 2 3 4 J 1 2 3 J 1 2 3 J...
Teachers gave you demerits for breaking any of the various and sundry rules. When you got to a "J", that meant you got a "JUG", which stands for "Justice Under God", which is an hour of hard labor after school. Mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, whatever.
If you really fucked up, you got a Saturday jug, which was 8 hours hard labor on a saturday. I only got one of those, senior year. I spent 6 hours mowing grass in the heat, and 2 hours weeding Brother Thornton's rose garden. Without gloves. I'd grab a handful of weeds, and pull, only to discover a dead branch of rose bush had fallen in there. So basically, I spent 2 hours cursing and pulling thorns out of my hand. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt more Catholic.
But the Foma game illustrates how merciless fate is about keeping me on the straight and narrow. Here's another illustration...
Fast forward to October 1994. I graduated from Pomona in May, my dad gave me our second car, a little Plymouth Sundance that I called Mr. Perkins, because it was an average, nondescript car that needed an average, nondescript name. I piled all my things into it in June and moved back to LA, to move in with my girlfriend Tasha. Now that it's October, Mr. Perkins' Missouri registration has just expired. I've researched what it would cost to register the car in CA, and I can't afford it. I'm in my third month at Katz Communications, where my salary is $15,600. That's not a lot to live on in LA, with student loans, rent, gas, insurance, etc.
The basic registration is only about $100, and that part I can cobble together using my strategy of gratefully accepting any time one of the account executives offers to take me to lunch, then getting half of whatever I order in a to-go box, so I can have it for dinner. But, since my car is from out-of-state, CA also wants me to pay a $300 "smog impact fee", and I just don't have it.
My strategy: the sticker won't show as expired until 11/1. At that point, all I have to do is stay off the radar until 12/20, when I fly home to StL. I'll take all the money I get from Christmas, and save until then, and I should be able to cobble together the payment. Note here that my intent is to comply with the law as best I can given my economic circumstances.
Fast forward to December 15th or so...
I've been in the habit of running my gas tank as low as it can go, to delay having to spend money on gas as long as possible. As a risk mitigation measure, I keep a small gas can in the trunk, in case I run out.
At about 1am, coming back from dance rehearsal in Claremont, I run out of gas on the 10 freeway. No problem- I'll just dump the emergency gas in there and be on my way.
At about 105am, the California Highway Patrol pulls up behind me, and shines the light on me, dumping gas into the car. The officers get out and slowly approach.
Officer 1: "Is this your vehicle?"
Me: "Uh, yes."
Officer 2: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Uh, well, I ran out of gas but I keep some emergency gas in the trunk, so I'm just putting that in."
Officer 1: "Can we see some ID?"
Me: "Sure." I hand over my driver's license. Officer 1 takes it and goes back to the car. Officer 2 watches me while we wait.
After a while, Officer 1 comes back.
Officer 1: "This car is not registered to you. I thought you said it was your car."
Me: "Well, it's registered to my dad, but he gave it to me, and I'm going to get it registered here in CA. You can see our last names are the same."
This seems to satisfy CHP. They say they'll watch to make sure I get going OK.
I finish putting gas in the car, get back in, start up Mr. Perkins, and pull onto the freeway. CHP pulls onto the freeway behind me. 10 yards down the road, they flip on their lights and pull me back over. I pull onto the shoulder and wait while the officer approaches.
Officer 1: "We noticed your registration is expired. You've been driving on expired registration. License please."
I hand over my license, giving him the whole sob story about how I'm leaving at the end of the week to go home, where I'll finally be able to get the money to afford the registration. Officer 1 doesn't give a shit. He just let me drive 10 yards down the highway so he could officially give me a ticket for driving on expired registration.
He writes me the ticket. I curse my star-crossed fate, and remember Foma, and note once again that I'll never succeed as a criminal.
As a special ironic postscript, some years later the "smog impact fee" was ruled unconstitutional, and I got a check in the mail for $300 plus some nominal interest.
In case you're wondering why I'm writing about all this today, let's start with last night. Joel borrowed the car to go drive to Berkeley so he could go to a Halloween party with his Female Of Interest (FOI). I was content to hang at the beach house with Kona and catch up on episodes of the Daily Show and Colbert, and maybe take a short evening beach walk. It's a little rainy, which is extremely unusual for HMB outside of Jan-Mar, but the beach is nice even in the rain.
I told Joel the curfew was 10am Sat morning, since I needed the car at that point to drive to work to tutor. At 830 this morning, Joel called...
Joel: "So, I'm up, and I went outside to drive back from Berkeley, and the front right tire is totally flat."
Me: "Shit."
Joel: "Yeah, I'm going to get working on that."
So I push back my tutoring meeting, and get out of bed. I realize that Kona hasn't been walked since early evening yesterday, so I leash her up and we go outside. Kona wants to run a bit, so I run with her, and she leads me straight to the sandy beach path.
Now, technically, HMB state beach is no-dogs-allowed. You have to walk up a bit to where the state beach ends. But it's 9am on a rainy Saturday morning, and there's absolutely no one around, and Kona _really_ wants to go down that path, so we walk down the sandy beach path about 20 feet, and Kona does her #2 thing. I stop to pick up after her, and unclip her leash figuring I'll give her like 2 minutes of freedom before taking her back. In spite of the gentle rain, it's quite warm, and the beach is beautiful. The waves are really coming in, and crashing noisily onto the sand.
So noisily that I didn't hear the HMB state park ranger pull into the parking lot behind us.
Kona is 20 feet onto the sandy path, and has been unleashed for a grand total of 45 seconds. I turn around and see the ranger approaching.
Yes, it's going to be one of those days. It's like 9am and already I just want it to be over. I clip Kona up again and wait for the ranger.
In the end, I get a break because I'm a local. I get a long lecture, the ranger takes down all my information and puts me into the computer and gives me a warning, saying that if they catch me again I'll get _two_ tickets.
The thing is, locals take their dogs on the beach all the time. They just don't do it on weekends. Weekends are when all the outsiders come, and that's when they patrol the beaches. And me, not normally dealing with dog issues, I forgot that the unwritten rule is that you only take the dogs down there during the week, when there are no outsiders.
Sigh.
So, this is why I decided long ago that I'm just not cut out for a life of crime. The universe punishes me swiftly and mercilessly.
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