Einmal ist keinmal

Do you ever get the feeling that life is a series of endlessly repeating cycles?

I do.

It has been a summer of loss. In May I almost lost my roommate to an idiot driving a Zipcar. In June I almost lost my mother to heart issues. In July I did lose my father. Two nights ago I lost my girlfriend Keiko. And today I lost my roommate to a new life in DC, working for the OPM.

It's too soon for me to really write about what happened with Keiko. There was no proximate cause for our breakup. Nothing dramatic happened. But we were over 2 years into our relationship, and had just kind of reached That Point. And we failed to make it past That Point. Entirely due to me. I mean, 100% due to me. She was supportive, sweet, and loyal for over 2 years, and still I ended up hurting her terribly.

Basically, if you are a close friend of mine (and let's face it- if you're actually reading this blog, you probably are), then I have done 1 or more of the following things to you:

1) deeply hurt you
2) significantly disappointed you
3) completely failed you
4) nearly killed you

This is one of those days where I realize anew that it is a blessed miracle that I still have any friends at all.

Shara found this picture, and I feel like I should have it near me at all times:








Danger!









Tonight, after coming home early and crashing for a long while, I got up, put on my swim trunks, and walked down to the sea. I'm not especially religious in any kind of particular way, and praying's not really my thing, but I walked a little ways into the water and knelt in the surf, and prayed. I prayed for 3 things:

1) for Keiko, that she be granted healing, peace, happiness, and a man who will be as supportive, sweet, and loyal as she is, and sooner rather than later,

2) for healing between the two of us, that we may remain meaningfully part of each other's lives even though we're not dating anymore, and

3) forgiveness: for once again failing so spectacularly in my most basic life goal of having a net positive impact on the world, and on the people around me; for being so deeply, tragically flawed; and for being so pathetically unable to rise above those flaws.

At that point, I had to cut it short. It had taken several minutes to articulate those points, and you might not realize this, but Pacific Ocean water in the SF bay area at 11pm is, in a word, frigid. Another couple of minutes, and my testicles would have ascended straight into heaven. The other things I would have asked for will have to wait for another night.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up more alone in this beach house than I ever have been, in the 2 years that I have lived here. But I chose this path, and I will just have to hope that I have the strength to follow where it leads. I guess we'll see.