The Princess Diaries, Chapter 3

RIght now I'm babysitting for Li and Em, since it's GA's birthday today and Laszlo took her out to dinner.

Li informed me upon arrival that she is henceforth and forthwith to be referred to as "The Seashell Princess", and Em is to be referred to as "The Flower Princess".

By the time I got there and Laszlo and GA left for dinner, it was basically already bedtime for the two of them. They weren't giving off much of a I'm-ready-for-bed vibe, so I busted out a favorite game of mine: "Let's see how fast we can run around the entire house!"

It's a great game, because I only have to do it twice, and then I can say I'm too tired, but I'll count while they make the next lap. Then, I can say: "Try it again and let's see if you can go faster!!" It helps that Seashell Princess is competitive like her daddy. Because after about a dozen iterations of the game, they don't protest when I say it's time to go to bed.

Yup, I'm totally daddy material.

Laszlo and GA had done all the various pre-bedtime rituals except for The Reading of the Stories, so I had us all race upstairs to Flower Princess's room for Story #1. Flower Princess picked "If You Feed a Mouse a Cookie..." which isn't half bad, and at least isn't about princesses. Come to think of it, this may be the first bedtime story we've ever done that didn't involve a princess.

After her story, we all trooped over to Seashell Princess's room for Story #2, which was "There's a New Kid in School" (or something like that- I already can't remember). It's by Katie Couric, and the reason I can't remember it already is that it's not very good. Seriously, Katie should stick to TV news. Though, these days it's not even clear she should stick to that.

The storyline itself was fine, and the new kid, who is basically shunned and taunted by the other kids, is named Lazlo. The story ends with all the girls deciding to be friends with Lazlo. No word on what the other boys decided. Though, the book does teach an important lesson that gradeschool soft power is concentrated entirely with the girls. The boys are just helpless pawns. I was in a daily fight for existence through most of 7th grade, but in 8th grade, when Andrea, the cutest girl in school, decided she liked me (not enough to want to "go with" me, which would have squandered too much social capital, but enough to not want to see me with a permanent bullseye on me), all the predator boys instantly backed off. 8th grade wound up being the most peaceful year I had from 5th-10th grade, when I finally went into the skater punk orbit. For whatever reason, rejecting the conformist social culture of my high school made people leave me alone more.

Anyway, we read Story #2. The storyline, as I said, is fine- it's the hamhanded attempt to make the lines rhyme in couplets that makes the story suck. First of all, rhyming in couplets makes anything sound retarded, but if you're going to do it, for God's sake find a rhythm and stick to it.

After Story #2, I said goodnight to Seashell Princess and took Flower Princess back to her room to say goodnight to her...

Flower Princess: "Will you sing me a song?"

Me: "Uh, well, um..."

Flower Princess: "'Cause mommy always sings me a song. And daddy does too."

And then she fixes me with that Look- the same Look that Puss-in-Boots uses in the Shrek movies. It's uncanny. So, I blundered my way through Annie's Song, and said goodnight. Fortunately, the point at which they'll be old enough to tell that I'm haphazardly lurching through 3 different keys per word is also the time at which they'll start to think it's pretty lame to ask grownups to sing them songs.

About 0.0003 seconds after I left Flower Princess's room, I hear:

Flower Princess: "Uncle Gus?"

Me: "Yes sweetie what is it?"

Flower Princess: "Can I have a cup of water?"

Me (out loud): "Yes of course sweetheart."
Me (internally): "Seriously? Are we going to use every cliched bedtime delaying tactic ever?"

So I got her water, watched her drink it, tucked her back in, and switched off the light. Again.

Downstairs, I scrounged around the refrigerator to put together a sandwich for dinner. I had just enough time to find bread, meat, and cheese, and then I heard the pitter patter of tiny Princess feet approaching...

Flower Princess: "Can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Sure."

Flower Princess: "Why aren't _you_ going to bed now?"

Me: "Well, it's Princess bedtime, not Involved Uncle bedtime. And somebody's got to be awake when mommy and daddy get home. Besides, the broader question is: Why aren't you going to bed now?"

Flower Princess: "Can I ask another question?"

Me: "Ye-e-e-e-e-s..."

Flower Princess: "I... came downstairs to ask you... can I stay up with you?" (insert Puss-in-Boots look here)

Me: "Aw, that's so-o-o-o-o sweet honey... but no. It's Princess bedtime, and you, my dear, are a Princess, so off we go."

And so I walked her upstairs to her room, tucked her back in, and switched off the light. Again.

Fortunately, third time seems to be the charm. No Princess foot patter since then. I think the running game finally caught up to them...