So, after taking the train back into the city and taking a 3 hour nap at Keiko's, I got on the 340 bus from Grand Central to head back to JFK to try and get on the 555 flight to San Jose as a standby.
In theory, the 340 gets you to JFK at 445 or so. However, that projection includes the following assumptions:
1) There is not bumper to bumper traffic the entire way
2) The driver doesn't miss the exit for the 678 south to JFK, forcing him to bail out into random neighborhoods in Queens, where after a series of blunders on surface streets, he finally manages to find a way to get back on the right freeway.
We arrived at JFK at 510, forcing me to run into the terminal to check in at the counter, which you have to do when you're standby, and then to race through security, run down the hall to the place where you catch the shuttle out to the distant shack on the edge of JFK where the cross-country JetBlue flights all depart, and run down the hall of the aforementioned shack. I got to the gate at 540, running up to the gate saying "HiI'mstandbypleasetellmeI'mgoingtogetonthisplane!"
After they had let everyone who was supposed to board do so, they had exactly one seat left, in th very last row in the middle, and so I got on. Note: if you're flying to San Jose, that's actually a good seat, because there's rear deplaning at San Jose, so you get off the plane almost instantly. I was able to get my bag (which had arrived on the original flight, unlike me) from the baggage office pretty quickly, so I just barely made the 1010 shuttle to the CalTrain station, which means I made the 1035 CalTrain by 5 minutes, and that's the last northbound train on weekdays. If I'd missed it, I'd've been stuck in Santa Clara in a place where no taxis ever come with no way to get up to Palo Alto where my car is (I leave it at the office and take public transport to the airport). But I did make, and finally got home after midnight.
So, I had one non-Gus attempt to fly, getting to the airport all early and everything, and that was a disaster. My second attempt was very Gus-like; unlikely shit that wasn't my fault delaying me and causing me to almost miss the flight, and I made it on. I think we all see what the lesson here is: don't try to be early for shit- it doesn't work for me.
Other data supports this framework: every flight from the BMFRTE was typical Gus, and we made every one of those. There haven't been many other flights in my life I was on time for, but last summer, Keiko and I flew on a Friday night down to DC to have dinner with friends there, crash at the Jurys Hotel, and then head down to Richmond for a couple days. Since we had only been dating for about a month, I was still in the hide-the-crazy stage of the relationship, and so I made a herculean effort to have us at the airport if not actually early per se, at least not running desperately for the plane.
And I succeeded; we got to the gate with plenty of time. We boarded, and then proceeded to spend the next FIVE HOURS sitting on the tarmac while air traffic control kept re-juggling which planes took off from which of the four takeoff windows. Eventually, halfway through, they went back to the gate to let anyone off who had decided to give up, and also to refuel. That's right, all that taxiing around the damn airport lining up and idling caused us to burn too much fuel to make it to DC safely. Our 8pm dinner plans with a bunch of friends turned into midnight dinner with Jonathan.
So you can see what happens: arrive early- plans screwed.
But wait- it gets better. Our flight back was from Richmond, and the airport there is on the far east side of town. As a result of hanging out with friends, we were in danger of missing our flight, so I drove a minimum speed of 95 miles per hour and thanked God I'd lived in Richmond and been nearly late for flights there often enough to know where all the speed traps are along the freeway.
When we arrived at the airport, I had to have Keiko jump out to check us in at the self-check-in kiosk. The kiosk typically stops letting you check in 30 min before your flight, and it was 32 min before the flight. So she jumped out while I went to go drop off the rental.
When I ran into the terminal, she was in a long line at the counter. I ran up to her, and she said that she hadn't been able to check us in at the self-check-in. Damn. I thought for sure we'd gotten there in time.
That weekend, it turned out, a torrential storm, near hurricane strength, had slammed into the eastern seaboard around NYC. Although it had rained in Richmond, most of the storm hit farther north. Since we'd been hanging out with friends and stuff, we didn't even know that there had been a bad storm. And that had fucked up air traffic all over the country. So our flight had actually been canceled, along with most everything else. In fact, a ton of air traffic bound for places like NYC and Philly had been diverted to Richmond and was sitting there.
The person at the counter announced this at some point, and further advised that we should call US Airways customer service while we were waiting, to see what flights they might be able to put all of us (there were a TON of people in line), and meanwhile he would try to get some people on this plane to NYC.
So I wait on hold forever, as we slowly work our way toward the counter. When there are only 4 people standing in front of us, I finally get connected to an agent. So I ask what's going on, get an explanation, and then I ask if I can get put on this flight that the guy at the counter is working on. I'm sure there can't be many seats left, given how many people were originally in front of us. The phone agent then explains that our flight is canceled, and there are no more flights going back to NYC until tomorrow at the earliest.
"That's odd," I say, "Because the guy at the counter seems to think he is putting people on a plane to NYC."
Phone agent: "I'm sorry- there's no plane going to NYC until tomorrow."
At this point, 2 of the 4 people ahead of us get helped, and now there's just one couple in front of us. So I figure what's happening here is that the phone agent in no way knows what's going on, and I hang up on him. The guy at the counter says he has 2 seats left on the plane. The girl ahead of us turns around to look at us and says: "Are you trying to get to NYC?"
Me: "Yes, we both have to be at work tomorrow morning!" [true]
So the girl turns to her BF and says, "I could let these people go, and stay with you tonight, and then you could drop me off here early in the morning and still make it back to base in time..."
It turns out the GF lives in NYC, but her boyfriend is based at the Marine base in Quantico, so they decide to have one more night together, and Keiko and I get the last 2 seats on this plane. Apparently, this plane was originally bound from Charlotte to Pittsburgh, but wasn't even half full, and was diverted to Richmond because of the weather. And, the people at US Airways in Richmond decided that in order to get some of the NYC people home, they would fill up every empty seat on the Pittsburgh plane with NYC people, and route the plane through NYC before sending it on to Pittsburgh. Of course, the phone people at US Airways had no idea this was happening.
But it worked out- we got on the flight that didn't exist, and made it home to NYC, less late than our flight into DC had been. So there you go- running late to the airport, crazy weather, and we somehow managed to make a flight.
The experimental evidence is overwhelming: I'm not meant to be early. And the universe punishes me mercilessly every time I try to be something I'm not.
P.S.: Although the situation yesterday was entirely, completely, 100% my own damned fault, there is still some way, some way that I haven't quite worked out yet, in which it was all Ed's fault. Why do I go out drinking with him? Dumb shit always happens...
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