Ed and I drive off from 86th and 2nd ave, finally on our way. Our first stop on the way to California: Maine. As we drive off, Ed turns to me and says: "MK gave me this CD tonight, and said it was really important that we listen to it first, no matter what."
Now, part of what makes this the _Best_ Mutherfucking Road Trip Ever is that I've designed a mix for each day of the trip, in each case partly inspired by our expected location/agenda that particular day. Already, since we're leaving 2 calendar days late, we're behind by 2 mixes, but that's no problem, since there's going to be a lot of driving. So, it appears MK has given us a surprise mix. Fine, let's hear it. Below is the playlist for MK's mix:
8/18/07 Guest Mix- "Gaywads Take America" by MK
1) The Ballad of A & E - written, produced, and sung by MK
2) Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard
3) I Believe in a Thing Called love - Darkness
4) Teenage Suicide – Chris Rock
5) Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
6) Jesus Was Way Cool – King Missile
7) All Out of Love – Air Supply
8) Bitches Ain’t Shit – Ben Folds
9) Nappy Heads Remix – The Fugees
10) King of
11) Africa
12) King of the Road – Roger Miller
8/18, 12:02 a.m.: The FDR northbound
Ed and I are in comedic shock at the evil genius of track 1: The Ballad of A & E, which you will notice was written, produced, and sung by MK himself, using the Garage Band software on his Mac. Out of respect for the evil genius of this track, I will reproduce the lyrics here:
The Ballad of A & E
Eduardo's at the mirror
Got his hands upon his hips,
Got his money in his pocket
Got his chapstick on his lips
He's living in the city
But his parents come from Cuba
Packs his duffel full of condoms
And a bottle of lube-uh
Augustine's getting ready
Feels his penis getting hard-o
He's thinkin' 'bout the sexy time
He'll share with Eduardo
Some nights they'll make sweet lovin'
Some nights they won't budge
They've packed a lot of boxes
Now they'll pack a lot of fudge.
Their lovin' spans the universe
From Dallas to the Duomo
You can look forever
And not find two bigger homos
If they both ruled England
They'd both be the Queen
This is the ballad of Eduardo and Augustine.
Chorus:
Oh they both like balls and balls
Yes they both really like
balls, balls, balls, balls,
They, really like balls,
They really like
Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls
They're homosexuals...
They like balls
They like balls
Feed me your balls
[Hey Gus, do you like balls? I do!]
I like balls,
Give me your balls,
Mmm, I like balls,
Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls!
They're both pretty smart,
Each of them's a thinker.
They like when you stick your wang
Right in their sphincters.
They've done some stuff to little boys
You'd classify as heinous.
Ed made a 14 year old
Drink soup out of his anus.
All across the nation
Two bigger queers you've never seen
This is the ballad of Eduardo and Augustine.
[They're so gay, they're so gay,
They're so gay, they're so gay,
They're really gay, they're really gay,
They're really gay, they're pretty gay,
They like balls...]
I am reminded of something Laszlo said to me, early on in what is now 17.5 years of friendship: "With friends like enemies, who needs you?" Damn that MK! Thank God I have that surprise waiting for _him_ tomorrow. Curse his evil genius...
8/18, 12:08 a.m.: FDR northbound
We have made our first wrong turn of the trip, as I foolishly head west toward the George Washington bridge and California, when we are obviously heading north toward the Triborough bridge and Maine. This is actually a good sign, right? We're just getting this out of our system early...
8/18 12:10 a.m.: Harlem
I took the first exit I could off the FDR, which at this point is now called the Harlem River Drive, because it borders the Harlem river. Which borders Harlem. We are pulled over on a random side street in Harlem, looking at a map. In the middle of the night. An Indian boy, and a Cuban, with a truck and trailer visibly full of stuff. What could possibly go wrong?
Flashback: August, 1998
In the third of our cross-country road trips together, Laszlo is driving with me from Santa Monica, CA to New Haven, CT. I will be joining him at the Yale School of Management, where he will be one year ahead of me in the program. I have crammed everything I own into a large trailer and my Hyundai Elantra [my car's name: Julio. He's a low-rider, and when I have a baseball cap on and haven't shaved, I look like a cholo driving it].
Now, an Elantra is approved only for towing the smallest possible trailer, since it's a small car, but I knew I needed a trailer two sizes up from that, so I just went ahead and ordered that size. And filled it completely. And then filled up the entire inside of the Elantra with all my books. When I was done, the back end of the car and the front end of the trailer visibly sagged, barely avoiding scraping the ground. But HA! I got it all in there. No reason why this arrangement can't survive 4,000 miles of road trip.
One interesting piece of trivia from the road trip is that of the 4,000 miles we traveled, approximately 3,500 of those miles were in the rain. Including our entire trip through Death Valley, which gets like negative 2 inches of rain a year. Fortunately, there was a break in the rain just past El Paso, causing us to pull over and get some gas. While pumping the gas, I went around back to inspect the trailer, and noticed that it must have settled a little bit more once Laszlo and I added our weight to the car, because now the chains that help anchor the trailer to the car were _actually_ dragging on the ground, and in fact, by this point were worn almost completely through.
We figured it'd be a good idea to do something to keep the chains from dragging any more, but we had no rope or anything to tie the chains up with. But, since it seemed like these chains were pretty important, Laszlo and I decided to put our considerable intellects together to come up with a solution. In short order, we arrived at: go inside the gas station, buy enough sticky buns, chips, and juice to get a couple of grocery bags, and then use the plastic bags to tie the chains up. So, the remaining 3,000 miles of the trip we drove with 2,500 pounds of stuff held onto the car by grocery bags.
Although there were adventures on that trip as well, the part that really relates here is that, at about 2 a.m. one night, we came across the George Washington bridge and discovered that all traffic was being diverted off of it and into Harlem because they were doing construction. And somehow, I assume because of Laszlo's navigating (I was driving and therefore he had navigating responsibilities), we lost the thread of the surface street detour and then spent the next hour roaming around Harlem, with a car and trailer visibly full of stuff.
If you haven't read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera, I strongly recommend it. Laszlo brought it to my attention many years ago. In it there is an exchange between two friends, whose names I no longer remember:
Friend 1: Do you ever get the feeling that life is a series of endlessly repeating cycles?
Friend 2: Einmal ist keinmal. [Literally, one time is no time. i.e., if it happened once, it's as if it never happened at all]
Friend 1: Muss es sein? [Must it be so?]
Friend 2: Ja, es muss sein. [Yes, it must be so.]
8/18, 1215 a.m., Harlem:
Ed is poring over the map, and while he's at it I'm trying to figure out how to close the wayback well enough to make the damn indicator light go off. People are walking by, visibly appraising us, since it's clear we're not from these parts. I get back in the car, and we decide to go "that way".
8/18, 1225 a.m., Harlem River Drive, eastbound:
We are back on the freeway! Soon NYC will finally release me from its clutches. We are listening to "King of Spain", which, after The Ballad of A&E, is my favorite track on MK's mix. Finally, we get over the Triborough bridge and start heading toward New England.
8/18, 2 a.m., somewhere in Connecticut:
I am falling asleep. Ed takes over.
8/18, 330 a.m., exit ramp off I-95 somewhere in Massachusetts:
Ed is falling asleep. I take over. But not before dancing a little jig to get the blood flowing and wake myself up. Ed, being obnoxious, takes a picture of this, which I include here:
I pop in the mix for 8/18: "Music for a Wedding Day"
1) True Love is the Greatest Thing in the World - The Princess Bride
2) Comes Love - Ella Fitzgerald
3) Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
4) Weekend in New England - Barry Manilow
5) Sunday Kind of Love - Etta James
6) Sunshine of Your Love - Eric Clapton
7) Passionate Kisses - Mary Chapin Carpenter
8) White Wedding - Billy Idol
9) I Knew the Bride (When She Used to Rock N Roll) - Nick Lowe
10) "This is true love" - The Princess Bride
11) If - Bread
12) Can't Help Falling - Corey Hart
13) Testimony - Willis
14) What Do You Love More Than Love - Dar Williams
15) Only the Ones We Love - Tanita Tikaram
16) Five Room Love Story - Cowboy Junkies
17) To Make You Feel My Love - Billy Joel
18) Always a Woman - Billy Joel
19) Stickshifts & Safetybelts - Cake
20) I Only Want to Be With You - Vonda Shephard
21) Storybook Love - Mark Knopfler
22) "Then love, true love, will follow you forever" - The Princess Bride
8/18, 525 a.m., somewhere in Maine:
This from Ed's journal...
"I try to nap until about 525, when I open my eyes to find we're in Maine, about 20 min. from our destination. I tell Gus to wake me up when we get there, but he replies with 'Dude, I need you to stay up with me right now- I'm dying.' So I do, but the only problem is that I'm dying too. So the last 20 minutes are rough as we are both struggling not to pass out. But we make it to Auburn, Maine (barely) at 6.a.m. I check us into the hotel- for the night that just ended."
8/18, 605 a.m., Auburn, Maine:
Gus: zzz
Ed: ZZZZ ZZZZ ZZZZ
(It's going to be a long trip if he always snores like this...)
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