Election '08 by Gus, Part 5

Just thought I'd check in and give a summary of where we are politically...

But first, let's do a poll: raise your hand if you ever saw, in a million years, Eliot Spitzer of all people banging high-priced hookers on his off days?

That's what I thought. Me neither. And you, with the hand raised- you're a bloody liar.

I have on occasion thought about getting into politics at some point later in my life, when I have a stable economic situation and can afford to do the right thing even at the cost of being a one-term version of whatever office I run for. At that point I'll be happy to fight the good fight, lose re-election as a consequence, and go do something else.

In the meantime, for others out there, particularly, though not exclusively, the men- if you are thinking about getting into politics and building a lasting political career based on an earnest attempt to do the right thing, let me offer you this strategy, which I've developed after countless hours of rumination on the classic treatises of political theory over the last couple thousand years and the actual political events of the last twenty years or so:

Keep it
in your
pants.

As a strategy, this has the elegance of simplicity and the tangible benefit of helping you avoid the kind of meteoric fall from political grace that eventually snags EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE of the politicians who ignore its sage advice. Seriously, NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE. That includes you. You'll either be propositioning some dime-store prostitute on a dark streetcorner somewhere, and it's going to wind up videotaped on the security camera of the neighboring building, or you'll be trying hard to conceal movements of the vast amounts of cash it takes to participate in the high-priced call girl market. That might have worked back in the days when people kept wads of cash in coffee tins or under the mattress, but it doesn't work in this modern world. So, one more time, let's review the strategy. Say it with me:

Keep it
in your
pants.

If only Bill Clinton had hired me as a member of his strategic team, we'd have the greenest President ever in Al Gore, and foreign policy, economic, and military strategies that, while perhaps not perfect, would at least seem more like they were devised by thoughtful, rational people, and not by a group of drunken Phi Delts. I mean, George W. Bush's 2000 campaign strategy basically boiled down to a 2-point platform:

1) I'll keep it in my pants
2) I'll cut as many taxes as much as politically possible, regardless of whether it makes any sense at all to do so.

Seen from that perspective, President Bush has had possibly the most successful presidency certainly in modern times, and maybe ever. See the benefits of following my strategy?

"But Gus," you say, "I want to follow your strategy. I think it's good. But I'm trapped in an increasingly loveless marriage caused by the emotional distance that inevitably comes along with continually choosing to forgo spending time and energy on my relationship in order to feed the gaping, sucking maw of time and energy that is a political career. What am I supposed to do???"

OK, fair point. All I've given you so far is a strategy. It's time to get tactical. So there you are, on some Thursday afternoon, around 430. It's been a month since the last time you had sex. And the thoughts are coming. You know those thoughts: "Well, I could just hire a hooker. Just this once. Obviously I wouldn't make a habit out of it. It doesn't hurt anybody. And as long as I'm really careful, I won't get caught. People do it all the time and don't get caught. And I'm not an idiot like every last one of the other thousands of guys in office who decided to do it. No, I'm different. I'm SMART. I can get away with it..."

STOP!

****EMERGENCY SITUATION****DEFCON1****INITIATE EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS****

Quickly, before you do something really stupid, follow this emergency tactical plan:

Step 1) Quickly assess: do you have at least one usable hand? If yes, proceed to the nearest secluded space, perhaps a bathroom stall, and use the aforementioned hand. That's what it's for. It's why Man learned to walk upright, after all. If no, proceed to step 2.

WARNING: if you do elect to use a bathroom stall, remember to keep your hands, and especially feet, inside the stall at all times.

Step 2) You are most likely a paraplegic. Therefore, quickly assess: do you have at least one usable foot? If yes, then you should gimp on down to your local video store and rent My Left Foot, a heartwarming, truly inspirational story that will help motivate you to learn to use your foot as a substitute for the hand in step (1) above. Obviously, this will take time and patience, but then again, if you have no hands, so would sex.

If no, proceed to step 3.

Step 3) You are a quadriplegic who has somehow gotten himself elected to public office in spite of the overwhelming institutional and prejudicial odds against you. Clearly, you have overcome personal challenges far greater than 'horniness'. It's time to reach deep down into that personal wellspring of courage and fortitude that has sustained you thus far, and deal. That's right- gut it out, Lieutenant Dan.

Or implode politically, tragically wasting what was otherwise a heartwarming, truly inspirational story that would have motivated people the world over. Your choice.

So there you have it- obviously, I'm not a high-priced political consultant (or, for that matter, a high-priced 'sexual consultant'). I am, in fact, a high-priced educational consultant. Nevertheless I think my strategy and tactics have a lot to add to our nation's political story. And if I ever do run for political office, I hope you'll remind me of this post.

Frequently.